Updated: Jan 16, 2019
After my blog on fear, I started working on a blog on stepping into power. I may take that blog up at a later time as events in my life have shifted my focus. My beautiful, amazing mum was diagnosed with her second cancer. For all of you who have had a loved one tagged by those words, my love goes out to you. Fear washed over me, a deep sense of loss and anguish took over. The loss of a form of innocence and insouciance, knowing that what was will no longer be and at the same time, I felt courage and power. I am purposefully not using strength but power. Power is soft, it comes from a place deep inside. A place of calm and trust, the same place courage comes from.
This power and courage are a new response for me to difficult situations. In the past, I would just have gone into what I refer to as "hyperdrive"; a survival mode that involved shutting off my own emotions to be present of others. This hyperdrive mode was something that helped me get through quite a few difficult times, and at the same time drained me and led to a few disruptive responses hindering my own wellbeing and even my relationships.
One of the significant differences today, after an intense personal development journey, is that I stay present. You hear quite a lot of people talking about staying present, staying in the moment but what does that mean? What does it actually entail?
The most significant learning for me was learning to accept the pain, accept the discomfort and the uncomfortable emotions. Realising that to really be genuinely there for others I needed to be there for myself. To be present for others, I needed to allow myself to feel and learn to be comfortable with the discomfort. This meant making time for me; for me to cry and lick my wounds, for me to heal and be looked after, and to learn to ask for help and support.
Over the past few weeks, I have also found myself breathing more deeply more often, breathing more slowly, consciously, knowingly and with all my awareness. This little practice has been what has kept me in "the now", what has stopped me from either going into hyperdrive (one of my demons) or spiralling into darkness (another one of my other demons). This simple breath, this Prana or life force, this constant movement that keeps us alive is also our secret weapon for staying present, for being in the moment. Being in the moment, allowing ourselves to be with what is, to remain with life in its perfect imperfection, in its beauty, depth and richness. Being in the now is our most compassionate way of dealing with whatever life throws at us. Compassionate not only towards others but also and especially towards ourselves.
I believe this is my most significant learning from all of the work and that I have done. Being here, being able to be present with my whole being is the gift I have been given. This is now my gift to give to others.
I will leave you with a quote from my favourite author Thomas Moore from Dark Night of the Soul:
"You become the wounded healer, someone who has made the descent and knows the territory. You take on depth of color and range of feeling. Your intelligence is now more deeply rooted and not dependent only on facts and reason. Your darkness has given you character and color and capacity. Now you are free to make a real contribution. It is a gift of your dark night of the soul!"
Please reach out if this blog has touched you and if you too would like to find courage and power to go through the challenges life throws at you.